Christy Kobe, LCSW, CCTP’s Blog Articles
SLC Therapist, Utah Therapist and EMDR Therapist Utah.
Interview regarding what I've witnessed in my work with Recently Single Professional Women, some of whom are also first generation, the child of immigrants or an immigrant themself
These women hope to have a fulfilling life as a single woman where they have meaningful relationships with friends and family, do meaningful work, and have a rich life of experiences outside of their career as well. In my experience, these women value meaningful connections with others and all types of relationships.
Some of these women hope to have a romantic relationship in which they can have a meaningful emotional connection in which the other person is vulnerable, accountable, self-aware, empathetic, a hard worker, physically active, financially stable, intelligent, and committed to their own growth and development as an individual. They commonly report that they want someone who strives for balance in their life and doesn’t use substances in excess. They want someone who is truly their equal and truly a partner, someone they don’t have to beg or plead with, remind and persuade in order for them to do their part of being in a relationship and being a mature, accountable and healthy individual.
Interview of Christy Kobe, LCSW, CCTP by Agata Kubinska, LCSW on October 5, 2023
***In order to protect client confidentiality, identifying details have been withheld and answers to these questions have been given in reference to multiple clients, not referring to any one client in particular.***
Q: In your experience, why do women stay in relationships for as long as they do that end up in separation?
A: There are of course a variety of reasons for this. Some of the primary reasons I have seen are that first, there is a lot of pressure placed on women in our patriarchal society to be partnered in a heterosexual relationship, and partnered women in heterosexual relationships are given more social power, value and credibility—than single women, lesbian women or nonbinary individuals—which seems to play a role in these women deciding to remain in their heterosexual relationship. In the case of lesbian and nonbinary individuals, there are different pressures that may also encourage individuals to stay partnered: the homophobia still present in our society—especially in more religious and conservative regions—ostracizes many of these women from their families of origin and other systems of support, which puts increased pressure on these women and nonbinary individuals to stay partnered because they are isolated from other supports.
Second, these women have often socialized, conditioned and directly told to stay with a partner no matter what, especially if that partner is a man. Under this socialization, separation and divorce is only socially acceptable or “justified” under extreme circumstances such as the partner being repeatedly physically abusive, an alcoholic or drug addict, cheating on them repeatedly, or being continuously unemployed. Women receive this message from their family and friends, religious leaders, and even Hallmark and Hollywood culture. That message and pressure is even more prevalent in communities with a predominant religion such as Utah where LDS (Mormon) culture discourages divorce. So, I have seen these women doubting themselves and questioning whether they are justified in leaving a relationship in which for example, their partner doesn’t meet their emotional needs, fails to do their part of the household and parenting work, is dishonest, or is irresponsible financially.
Third, these women often don’t have good models close to them of single, independent women and it is more difficult to be a trailblazer doing something we haven’t seen done before than it is to follow other women’s leads.
Fourth, there are of course financial and logistical reasons (such as having children in common with their partner) that some of these women stay in these relationships as well. However, that does not seem to be a reason for staying for women of younger generations as frequently as was the case for Baby Boomers and generations prior to that.
Q: What are their hopes and dreams? Their fears?
A: These women hope to have a fulfilling life as a single woman where they have meaningful relationships with friends and family, do meaningful work, and have a rich life of experiences outside of their career as well. In my experience, these women value meaningful connections with others and all types of relationships.
Some of these women hope to have a romantic relationship in which they can have a meaningful emotional connection in which the other person is vulnerable, accountable, self-aware, empathetic, a hard worker, physically active, financially stable, intelligent, and committed to their own growth and development as an individual. They commonly report that they want someone who strives for balance in their life and doesn’t use substances in excess. They want someone who is truly their equal and truly a partner, someone they don’t have to beg or plead with, remind and persuade in order for them to do their part of being in a relationship and being a mature, accountable and healthy individual.
Some of these women fear they will never have such a relationship. On the other hand, they also fear that if they stay in or settle for an unhealthy relationship, they would be more unhappy than being single or that they would be more unhappy than being single and also having the possibility having the potential for a healthy relationship with a healthy partner if they have such an opportunity in the future.
These women grieve the loss of the dream of having the fulfilling and connected romantic relationship they had dreamed of, and many feel blind sighted by their partner not having lived up to his or her part of their relational commitments, yet they are often very relieved to have "dodged a bullet" by ending the relationship when they did or are grateful to no longer be in the relationship—regardless of how long it lasted— once they have separated.
These women who are often "crushing it” in their careers, and even though some of them believe feel like they or their love life are “a mess”, they don’t maintain that perception or feeling for very long after they've started therapy with me. Rather they gain clarity on the facts that their former romantic partners and the potential partners they’ve met up to that point (especially for heterosexual women) are not even close to as emotionally intelligent, active, ambitious, politically progressive, self-aware, evolved, responsible and intentional with their life as they are as an individual, and many of these women don't want to be in a relationship with someone who is not truly their equal and a partner in these areas. When these women are first generation, a child of immigrants or an immigrant themselves, the main difference I see is that they tend to not separate as soon because they tend to not have as robust a network of physical, financial or logistical support from family of origin, friends, coworkers, and community.
Q: What do women that want to work on relationships in individual therapy struggle with? What symptoms do they present with? What problems do they want help with?
A: These women want to work on increasing the security of their attachment style; working through the loss, hurt and trauma of their ended relationship; increase their skills in creating and maintaining all types of healthy relationships; and increasing their skills at recognizing unhealthy behaviors and dynamics and warning signs in their interactions with others. They begin therapy with symptoms of anxiety, overwhelm, grief, spiraling negative thoughts, feeling like they are “going crazy”, thoughts that just go in circles, shame and trauma symptoms.
Q: What has been your experience working with first generation women, adult children of immigrant, or immigrants and their relationship problems?
A: These women often tend to partner up with an individual as a romantic partner who is overly close, enmeshed with, and even dependent on their family of origin. Sometimes this seems to be done unconsciously and other times it seems to be verbalized as a conscious choice since they themself have little to no family support near them in the U.S. Even when a woman verbalizes liking that her romantic partner is so close to their own family of origin, it is often a source of a lot of conflict in the couple’s romantic relationship, and hurst the couples connection and intimacy of all types.
When a relationship is unhealthy or abusive, these women may be more likely to stay long-term, or stay longer than women with more support, or find a new partner before leaving the relationship because they have less social support, fewer financial resources, and less knowledge of available social services and government aid and how to access these services, or they may not be able to access these services because of their residency, citizenship or visa status.
Q: Are there any unique considerations for first generation or adult children of immigrants that seek therapy?
A: I witnessed that these women seem to be more likely to face discrimination, pressure and unwarranted criticism from their partners and their partner’s family of origin when the woman wants to have more space from their partner’s family of origin, set healthy boundaries, or do things differently with her partner than how the partner’s family of origin has always done things.
It is essential that the therapist be aware of and mindful of their potential for unconscious biases about this woman’s behavior and be seeking on-going, clinical consultation on such cases to ensure that they are providing culturally competent therapy. It is also of utmost importance that the therapist verbalize the power dynamics and impacts of macro systems and systems of oppression rather than putting responsibility on the individual client for discrimination and barriers they experience.
The therapy process will, of course, be more effective when the therapist obtains clear information from the client about their goals and what they need and are seeking from the therapist. The therapist needs to also be mindful of the power differential and cultural differences between therapist and client and name those with the client.
I recommend that the therapist slow down communication and interactions enough to check in as needed with the client on how they are feeling and perceiving the process, especially when the therapist’s own gut or nervous system indicates that something feels off.
Q: What particular challenges do these women seem exhibit in therapy?
A: These women’s challenges in the therapy process and in the relationship with the therapist often show up as attachment wounds, resistance to the therapy process and/or the therapeutic relationship which can show up as fear of feeling all of their emotions and physical sensations, experiencing the doubts they’ve had in previous relationships in the relationship with the therapist, and there is more fear or anxiety and more shame potential for individuals, the more trauma there is in the individual’s history.
However, going to therapy can be a revolutionary act for these women. These women often report having the perception that they would be burdening their parents by sharing their struggles and not wanting to burden their parents—especially if their parents are immigrants or live outside the country. Many of these women report a history of things feeling chaotic, stressful or unstable in their upbringing so they stay in a romantic relationship that also feels chaotic, stressful or unstable because it seems to feel familiar unconsciously and because their family of origin can’t support them physically, financially or logistically, which is often because of the families own lack of resources, so these women often enter therapy feeling “stuck”.
A Pathway to Genuine Empathy and Connection
We live in a world and a society with so much division and so much disconnection, one where we often define ourselves and others more by our differences than what we have in common.
However, healing our world, our culture, our relationships and ourselves is going to require us developing deeper, more genuine empathy and connection with others.
One of the pathways to that type of empathy and connection with another person is gaining a deeper understanding of another’s lived experiences.
As Dr. Brene Brown says, “People are hard to hate close up. Move in”.
One way to move in and get to know others better is by listening to the lived experiences of others in their own words.
So, I decided to write this post and compile a list of some of my favorite memoirs and biographies for anyone who is interested in deepening their understanding of the lived experiences of another person who they perceive as different from them.
My hope is that as you read or listen to these lived experiences, you may see a piece of yourself in them and feel a connection and empathy for this other person.
I fervently believe empathy is one of the keys to healing our world.
As we practice empathy, we create more empathy which is something our world, culture, systems, relationships and hearts all need a whole lot more of right now.
Please note that I will receive a small amount on purchases made from my website in return for directing people to the books I recommend most highly as an experienced therapist. However, I have been recommending these book to my clients, friends and family with no compensation for years, and will continue to recommend these particular book even if I don’t receive any compensation whatsoever.
The Best and Most Recommended Books for Couples Wanting to Improve Your Relationship
Although reading a book often isn’t enough to significantly change the quality and direction of a relationship long-term, I have found in my 15+ years of practice that books can be an excellent resource to enable couples to stabilize and improve their relationship more quickly, in combination with our work in couples therapy.
Although reading a book often isn’t enough to significantly change the quality and direction of a relationship long-term, I have found in my 15+ years of practice that books can be an excellent resource to enable couples to stabilize and improve their relationship more quickly, in combination with our work in couples therapy.
As a result, I am always looking for and reading books and other helpful resources to potentially recommend to my clients. Thus, I have read a LOT of books over the years and continue to do so.
With the desire for you to experience the benefits of quicker relationship improvement, and to make it easier for you to identify the specific books I most highly and most often recommend as the best books for couples, I’ve created this short list with links where you can purchase each book, along with a short summary of each to help you choose the one that’s best for you and your relationship:
1. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
by John Gottman Ph.D. and Nan Silver
As a Gottman Method Couples Therapist, this is the Gottman research-based book I recommend most often and most highly to couples.
This book talks about the predictors of relationship breakup and divorce, and the antidotes to each of those predictors, that were identified by John Gottman and his colleagues in their research.
It provides multiple exercises to do with your partner to strengthen your friendship, information about positive and healthy communication and interaction, and information for improving your understanding of the conflicts in your relationship and what you can do to respond to those conflicts more effectively.
I genuinely believe that nearly every couple would benefit from reading and applying this book to themselves as individuals and to their relationship.
2. The New Rules of Marriage
by Terrence Real
This book takes things to the next level, and is a great tool for after you have mastered the skills in the two books I have recommended above.
This book will enable you to evaluate your intimacy as a couple in the intellectual, physical, emotional, sexual and spiritual domains.
It provides a lot of information for helping you to better understand your perceptions of and reactions to your partner, how to more clearly express what you want and need in your relationship, communication errors to avoid, and guidelines for how to better listen to and respond to your partner.
This book will provide guidelines for creating a healthier, stronger, more passionate and romantic, deeply connected, life long partnership with your best friend and life-long lover.
If you are unhappy in your relationship, don’t feel like a team, or feel like your partner has shut you out, this could be an excellent book for you.
This book tends is especially popular among women.
If you recognize that you could use additional assistance, support and professional guidance beyond what these books can provide, please contact reach out to me using the contact form on this page to reach me most quickly, or you may also email or call to request to schedule a 45 minute phone consultation to explore how I can assist you.
Please note that I will receive a small amount on purchases made from my website in return for directing people to the books I recommend most highly as an experienced therapist. However, I have been recommending these books and others to my clients, friends and family as long as I have been in practice, and will continue to recommend these particular books even if I don’t receive any compensation whatsoever.
SLC Therapist, Utah Therapist and EMDR Therapist Utah
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