Christy Kobe, LCSW, CCTP’s Blog Articles
SLC Therapist, Utah Therapist and EMDR Therapist Utah.
Why Do I Need Boundaries?
Developing the abilities to set and hold boundaries are very important abilities for protecting your mental, emotional, and physical health, your time and your energy—all of which have limits. Working with an experienced therapist, can help you identify what areas of your life and relationships could benefit from setting and enforcing some new boundaries.
Why Do I Need Boundaries?
Boundaries can help you to honor your feelings, needs, preferences, values, integrity, and emotional and energetic capacities, all of which are key aspects of self-awareness and emotional intelligence. Developing the abilities to set, hold and enforce boundaries are very important abilities for protecting your mental, emotional, and physical health, your time and your energy—all of which have limits.
When Setting a Boundary, what do I say?
Ideally, a personal boundary defines what is okay for you and what is not okay for you. A boundary is not telling another person what to do. Rather, it is telling another person what you will do.
I’m Worried People will be Upset with Me for Setting a Boundary…
Keep in mind that people who get upset with you for setting, holding or enforcing boundaries are the people who were benefitting from your lack of boundaries.
Brene Brown wisely said, “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others”.
Where Can I Learn More about Setting Boundaries?
Setting and holding boundaries can be easier said than done, especially if we haven’t had someone teach us these skills and model how to apply them in our lives.
Working with an experienced therapist, can help you identify what areas of your life and relationships could benefit from setting and enforcing some new boundaries.
Additionally, the 2 books shown here by Nedra Glover Tawab and Melissa Urban are excellent resources for deepening your understanding of boundaries and how to effectively set them.
Please note that I will receive a small amount on purchases made from my website in return for directing people to the books I recommend most highly as an experienced therapist. However, I have been recommending these book to my clients, friends and family with no compensation for years, and will continue to recommend these particular book even if I don’t receive any compensation whatsoever.
Best and Most Recommended Parenting Book
This is the best parenting book. I recommend this book so highly and more often than any other parenting book to those I work with is that research has found that the factor that predicts a child’s success most in life is their emotional intelligence. This book teaches and simplifies the research-validated process of enabling your child to develop that emotional intelligence using decades of research from parent-child pairs in whom the child developed emotional intelligence.
Children with whom their parents effectively used this process show a multitude of positive outcomes including being better able to control their impulses, delay gratification, motivate themselves, cope with life’s ups and downs, regulate their own emotional states, bounce back from stress, take on responsibility, and carry on productive activities among many other positive behaviors and benefits.
Most parents are aware that there are a LOT of parenting books out there. However, this is one of the most research-based parenting books available, and it gives you tools to better understand your style and to focus on the interactions, relationship factors and communication that matter the most with your child. This book can be applied with a child of any age and research has shown that even a non-custodial parent using this process can be enough to develop emotional intelligence in their child. I literally have entire bookshelves full of parenting books. However, this one is my very favorite and I highly recommend it to you.
If you recognize that you could use additional assistance, support and guidance beyond what this book can provide, please reach out to me by email or phone to schedule a free 15 minute phone consultation to explore how I could assist you.
As a society and as individuals, we say our relationships with our kids and our kids' wellbeing are some of the very most important things in our lives.
Yet, what have we done to take an educated approach to our relationships with our kids and our responsibilities of raising them to be healthy, resilient and well adjusted adults?
Reading and applying the simple process described in this book is one of the best ways—and one of the simplest ways—you can improve your relationship with your child AND improve your child's well-being and life skills.
Parenting is one of my clinical specializations, and a relationship with which I love to assist people.
My formal training in parenting education began in 1997 when I was employed as a parenting educator. I have found that assisting parents in improving their parenting and their relationships and communication with their children can have long-lasting, far-reaching and incredibly meaningful impacts on both parents and children, and that those improvements often have positive ripple effects in the other areas of their lives.
As a result, parenting it is an area in which I have continued to study and obtain advanced training and certification over the past 20+ years, so that I can provide the highest quality and most up-to-date therapy services to individuals and families.
In those 20+ years of training and working with parents, the book I recommend most often and most highly is Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman PhD with Joan DeClaire.
The reason I recommend this book so highly and more often than any other parenting book to those I work with is that many research studies have shown that emotional intelligence (a.k.a. Emotional Intelligence Quotient or EQ) is the best predictor of how a child will turn out.
This book teaches and simplifies the research-validated process of enabling your child to develop that emotional intelligence using decades of research from parent-child pairs in whom the child developed high levels of emotional intelligence.
Children with whom their parents effectively used this process show a multitude of positive outcomes including being better able to control their impulses, delay gratification, motivate themselves, cope with life’s ups and downs, regulate their own emotional states, bounce back from stress, take on responsibility, and carry on productive activities among many other positive behaviors and benefits.
Most parents are aware that there are a LOT of parenting books out there. However, this is one of the most research-based parenting books available, and it gives you tools to better understand your style and to focus on the interactions, relationship factors and communication that matter the most with your child.
This book can be applied with a child of any age and research has shown that even a non-custodial parent using this process can be enough to develop emotional intelligence in their child. I literally have entire bookshelves full of parenting books.
However, this one is my very favorite and I highly recommend it to you.
If you recognize that you could use additional assistance, support and guidance beyond what this book can provide, please reach out to me through the contact form on this page to reach me most quickly, or you may also email or call me to request to schedule a 45 minute phone consultation to explore how I could assist you.
Please note that I will receive a small amount on purchases made from my website in return for directing people to the books I recommend most highly as a therapist. However, I have been recommending these books and others to my clients, friends and family as long as I have been working in the social work and therapy professions. And, I would (and will) continue to recommend these particular books even if I don’t receive any compensation whatsoever.
Frequently Asked Questions about Therapy and Counseling in Salt Lake City, Utah
You and I will begin where you are at—emotionally and psychologically—and work together to create a safe nonjudgmental space, therapeutic relationship and process where you can explore your struggles and identify your therapeutic needs and goals. This is a very collaborative and respectful process.
My goal is to empower, support and assist you in expanding your knowledge, skills and capacities to meet your identified needs and goals.
Generally, the more of yourself you are willing to invest, the greater the return.
Most people feel nervous when they first begin therapy. I want you to know that I have a strong belief in the inherent worth and dignity of all people. One of the most important things to me is creating a safe, healthy, caring and compassionate working relationship with you in order to enable you to heal, grow and progress. My office is a judgment-free zone. I see that as an absolutely essential part of creating a safe space and therapeutic relationship with you.
All of my therapy sessions with my clients are 80 minutes because that has been shown to be the “gold standard” session length.
I recommend that my clients meet a minimum of once every two weeks.
FAQs about Therapy with Christy Kobe, LCSW
Q: I’ve never done therapy or counseling before. What is it like?
A: You and I will begin where you are at—emotionally and psychologically—and work together to create a safe nonjudgmental space, therapeutic relationship and process where you can explore your struggles and identify your therapeutic needs and goals.
The treatment processes and interventions I use will be based specifically on your individual situation, needs, and goals.
This is a very collaborative and respectful process. I welcome any questions, comments, or suggestions regarding your therapy at any time.
In order for therapy to be most successful, it is important for you to take an active role in this process. This means working on the things you and I talk about both during and between sessions, and meeting for sessions on a regular basis.
Q: How could a therapist or counselor help me?
A: My goal is to empower, support and assist you in expanding your knowledge, skills and capacities to meet your identified needs and goals.
Whenever possible, this process may include identifying, processing and resolving causes of your current struggles rather than simply managing or treating the symptoms.
Additionally, our work together often involves me supporting you in improving the health, quality and depth of your relationships as well.
In my experience, as clients become more aware and accepting of themselves, and as they increase their knowledge and skills, they are more capable of finding peace, joy, satisfaction, meaning and depth in their lives and relationships.
Q: How long does the therapy process take?
A: Increasing self-awareness, self-acceptance, personal knowledge and skills and integrating them into your life are goals that may take a long time to achieve.
Generally, the more of yourself you are willing to invest, the greater the return.
While occasionally clients need only 6-12 sessions to achieve their goals, I find that most clients need somewhere between six to twenty four months to achieve their goals, and in some cases, a few years of therapy are needed.
The length of your treatment and the timing of the eventual termination of your treatment depend on the specifics of your treatment plan and the progress you achieve. It is my policy to only see clients who I believe have the capacity to resolve their own problems with my assistance.
My intention is to empower you in your growth process to the degree that you are capable of facing life’s challenges in the future without me.
Q: What if I feel nervous about sharing my personal struggles with a therapist?
A: This is very common. Most people feel nervous when they first begin therapy.
I want you to know that I have a strong belief in the inherent worth and dignity of all people.
One of the most important things to me is creating a safe, healthy, caring and compassionate working relationship with you in order to enable you to heal, grow and progress.
My office is a judgment-free zone. I see that as an absolutely essential part of creating a safe space and therapeutic relationship with you.
You are always in the driver’s seat so to speak, and the one in charge of your therapeutic direction. We will discuss options and you get to decide what you think is best for you because this is your life and your relationships.
Most clients report that as their comfort and trust in me and the therapy process increases, their feelings of nervousness significantly decrease or stop.
Q: How long are therapy sessions?
A: All of my therapy sessions with my clients are 80 minutes because that has been shown to be the “gold standard” session length, especially when there are any relationship issues or trauma involved in your struggles.
I have found that my clients and I are able to create a lot more change, progress and momentum by meeting for 80 minutes once every two weeks, rather than meeting for shorter sessions on a weekly basis.
If we think of your struggles as being like an iceberg, the 80 minute sessions allow us the time to access and identify what’s going on under the surface of the water, and these patterns, themes, and deeper emotions under the surface of the water are key to enabling us to creating significant change and progress with your struggles.
Q: How long is each session?
A: I use 80 minute sessions—which are called double sessions—with all of my clients because these double sessions are considered best practice and one 80 minute session is so much more effective than 2 typical-length, shorter therapy sessions.
These double sessions really allow us to identify and explore what’s going on beneath the surface, so we can address those underlying causes which can lead to genuine healing and lasting, long-term change within you, your life and your relationships.
The progress, change and momentum we are able to create with the work we do in our these double sessions is incredible and life-changing.
Q: How often do we meet for sessions?
A: I recommend that my clients meet a minimum of once every two weeks.
Meeting less often results in you losing momentum between sessions and while we can use your session to process the biggest issue from the previous month, we are not able to create as much change and progress as we can when we consistently meet once every two weeks.
It’s kind of like the difference between going to the gym once week out of the month versus exercising throughout the month, or eating healthy one week out of the month versus eating healthy throughout the month.
Q: What is your availability?
A: I meet with clients Mondays, Tuesdays and most Fridays from 10:10 am—6:30 pm, and have a variety of appointment times available.
\Since my available appointment times and consultation times are offered on a first come first serve basis, the specific dates and times I have available will probably have shifted between the time that we schedule your consultation call and the call itself.
So, I’m not able to offer specific appointment options prior to our call. However, if one time doesn’t work for the two of you, we can look at other times.
Q: What are the fees for your services?
A: The fee depends on the type of therapy I am providing which I can assess and determine during our consultation call at which time I can let you know what I recommend and the fee for that type of therapy.
Q: Do you accept my insurance? Are you contracted with my insurance company to provide therapy services?
A: I am a fee-for-service, private pay therapist only. I do not contract with insurance companies.
You may request that your insurance company reimburse you for a portion of what you have paid me as an out of network provider if you desire, using your payment receipts.
However, by providing you with a receipt, I am not making any implication or promises of your insurance company reimbursing you for your therapeutic treatment.
Insurance companies have many rules and requirements specific to each individual plan. It is your responsibility to find out your insurance company’s policies and to file for insurance reimbursement.
For more information about the out of network reimbursement process, see the detail explanation I have provided here: https://christykobe.com/therapist-salt-lake-city/outofnetworkreimbursement
Q: Can I ask you the questions I have and get more information before deciding whether to work with you?
A: I offer a 45 minute phone consultation during I explore and answer your questions, rather than attempting to answer them via back and forth email or via some other less effective means.
In addition to allowing you the opportunity to ask me questions and allowing me the opportunity to answer your questions, the purposes of the phone consultation are to allow you the opportunity to share with me the issues with which you are looking for help, allow me to share information about the specifics of my unique approach to therapy and to provide my recommendations of the type of therapy I would recommend for the issues with which you are struggling, mutually determine whether we all seem to be a good fit for working together, provide your information and reserve appointments if we decide to move forward with working together, and lastly, provide you with information about the initial paperwork you need to complete in order to begin therapy.
If you're interested in requesting to schedule a 45 minute phone consultation, please enter your information here if you have not done so already:
https://christykobe.com/contact-therapist-salt-lake-city
After I receive your consultation request form, I can send you the consultation agreement form, followed by the payment link for a 45 minute phone consultation and the available consultation times so we can get one scheduled for you.
Q: What if I need to cancel or reschedule one of my appointments?
A: I have a 48 business hour cancellation and rescheduling policy. If you need to cancel or reschedule your appointment, you can simply send me an email at christy.kobe.lcsw@gmail.com letting me know you need to cancel or reschedule.
For answers to more Frequently Asked Questions, see: More Frequently Asked Questions
Choosing a Therapist who is a Good Fit for You
Choosing a therapist who is a good fit for you is an important, personal decision. Each therapist has certain types of people with whom they work most effectively. I’ve put together a list below of some of the traits and behaviors of clients with whom I’ve achieved the best results in my work. I might be the right therapist for you if any of the following apply to you:
Choosing a therapist who is a good fit for you is an important and personal decision. Each therapist or counselor has certain types of people with whom they work most effectively.
So, I’ve put together a list below of some of the traits and behaviors of clients with whom I’ve achieved the best results in my work. I might be the right therapist for you if any of the following apply to you:
You worry about the future.
You spend a significant amount of time thinking about situations or relationships.
You enjoy learning new things, and try to learn from your mistakes.
You try to improve things by identifying what you can do differently and working on that.
You feel guilty or anxious when you displease others.
You have very high expectations of yourself.
You are a sensitive person, and like to understand what happened and cause and effect.
You put others’ needs before your own, and end up feeling resentful sometimes.
You want to be able to talk through a problem.
You want to help others understand why there is a problem.
You are self-reflective and take responsibility for solving problems.
You view life as an opportunity to improve yourself and enjoy developing your capabilities.
You are willing to change in order to improve a situation or relationship.
You feel overwhelmed with your current struggles.
If any of these things sound like you, I hope you’ll contact me using the contact form on this page to reach me most quickly, or you may also email or call me to request to set up a 45 minute phone consultation. I’m looking forward to meeting you and playing a part in your journey!
What is Loneliness and How Does it Affect Us?
Loneliness causes us to shut down socially, and to be more suspicious of any social contact. We become more hypervigilant, more likely to take offense when none was intended, and to be afraid of strangers.
Loneliness is best defined as the sense that you’re not sharing anything that matters with anyone else.
To help a depressed or severely anxious person out of loneliness, they need more love and reassurance than they would have needed before they became lonely. The saddest part about this to me as a therapist is that many depressed and anxious people receive less love and reassurance as they become less enjoyable to be around. As they receive judgment and criticism from others, their retreat from the world accelerates and their loneliness deepens and increases.
If you would like to learn more about these findings and what you can do to decrease loneliness, I would strongly encourage you to buy the book below and begin to apply the principles to your life. It’s one of the best books I’ve read on the subject of depression and anxiety in many years.
What is loneliness?
Research studies have determined that feeling lonely is different than simply being alone. In fact, the sensation of loneliness doesn’t actually have much to do with how many people you spoke to in a given day or week.
To the contrary, some of the most people who report feeling the most severely lonely are those who actually talk to lots of people everyday. This is due to the fact that these people don’t perceive these people they are talking with as meaningful connections with another person.
To experience relief from loneliness, you need not only other people but also to feel that you are sharing something with the other person (or group) that is meaningful to both of you.
It is essential for you to both be engaged together in something you both think has meaning and value. And, the relationship has to be reciprocal or two-way, and to include a sense of “mutual aid and protection” according to researcher John Cacciopo. [1]
So, loneliness is best defined as the sense that you’re not sharing anything that matters with anyone else.
How does loneliness affect us?
Research studies have found that extended loneliness causes us to shut down socially, and to be more suspicious of any social contact.
We become more hypervigilant, more likely to take offense when none was intended, and to be afraid of strangers.
This is a paradox because we start to be afraid of connection which is what we need more than anything when we are lonely.
Researcher John Cacciopo calls this a “snowball” effect where disconnection spirals into even more disconnection. [1]
People who are lonely have been found in research studies to be scanning for threats because they unconsciously know that no one is looking out for them and thus know that no one will help them when they are hurt.
The good news is that this “snowball” effect of loneliness can be reversed. [1]
However, to help a depressed or severely anxious person out of loneliness, they need more love and reassurance than they would have needed before they became lonely.
The saddest part about this to me as a therapist is that many depressed and anxious people receive less love and reassurance as they become less enjoyable to be around.
As they receive judgment and criticism from others, their retreat from the world accelerates and their loneliness deepens and increases.
If you would like to learn more about these findings and what you can do to decrease loneliness, I would strongly encourage you to buy the book below and begin to apply the principles to your life.
It’s one of the best books I’ve read on the subject of depression and anxiety in many years.
If you would like additional support and professional guidance, please reach out to me through the contact form on this page to reach me most quickly, or you may also email or call me to request to schedule your 45 minute phone consultation.
1. Lost Connections: Uncovering the Real Causes of Depression —And the Unexpected Solutions,
by Johann Hari
Please note that I will receive a small amount on purchases made from my website in return for directing people to the books I recommend most highly as an experienced therapist. However, I have been recommending this book to my clients, friends and family with no compensation, and will continue to recommend this particular book even if I don’t receive any compensation whatsoever.
The Best and Most Recommended Books for Couples Wanting to Improve Your Relationship
Although reading a book often isn’t enough to significantly change the quality and direction of a relationship long-term, I have found in my 15+ years of practice that books can be an excellent resource to enable couples to stabilize and improve their relationship more quickly, in combination with our work in couples therapy.
Although reading a book often isn’t enough to significantly change the quality and direction of a relationship long-term, I have found in my 15+ years of practice that books can be an excellent resource to enable couples to stabilize and improve their relationship more quickly, in combination with our work in couples therapy.
As a result, I am always looking for and reading books and other helpful resources to potentially recommend to my clients. Thus, I have read a LOT of books over the years and continue to do so.
With the desire for you to experience the benefits of quicker relationship improvement, and to make it easier for you to identify the specific books I most highly and most often recommend as the best books for couples, I’ve created this short list with links where you can purchase each book, along with a short summary of each to help you choose the one that’s best for you and your relationship:
1. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
by John Gottman Ph.D. and Nan Silver
As a Gottman Method Couples Therapist, this is the Gottman research-based book I recommend most often and most highly to couples.
This book talks about the predictors of relationship breakup and divorce, and the antidotes to each of those predictors, that were identified by John Gottman and his colleagues in their research.
It provides multiple exercises to do with your partner to strengthen your friendship, information about positive and healthy communication and interaction, and information for improving your understanding of the conflicts in your relationship and what you can do to respond to those conflicts more effectively.
I genuinely believe that nearly every couple would benefit from reading and applying this book to themselves as individuals and to their relationship.
2. The New Rules of Marriage
by Terrence Real
This book takes things to the next level, and is a great tool for after you have mastered the skills in the two books I have recommended above.
This book will enable you to evaluate your intimacy as a couple in the intellectual, physical, emotional, sexual and spiritual domains.
It provides a lot of information for helping you to better understand your perceptions of and reactions to your partner, how to more clearly express what you want and need in your relationship, communication errors to avoid, and guidelines for how to better listen to and respond to your partner.
This book will provide guidelines for creating a healthier, stronger, more passionate and romantic, deeply connected, life long partnership with your best friend and life-long lover.
If you are unhappy in your relationship, don’t feel like a team, or feel like your partner has shut you out, this could be an excellent book for you.
This book tends is especially popular among women.
If you recognize that you could use additional assistance, support and professional guidance beyond what these books can provide, please contact reach out to me using the contact form on this page to reach me most quickly, or you may also email or call to request to schedule a 45 minute phone consultation to explore how I can assist you.
Please note that I will receive a small amount on purchases made from my website in return for directing people to the books I recommend most highly as an experienced therapist. However, I have been recommending these books and others to my clients, friends and family as long as I have been in practice, and will continue to recommend these particular books even if I don’t receive any compensation whatsoever.
What is EMDR therapy and Modified Protocol, Attachment-Focused EMDR therapy?
Modified Protocol, AF-EMDR therapy might be a good fit for you if you struggle with smaller traumas that manifest as anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, phobias, creativity blocks, relationship difficulties, not feeling fully alive, not enjoying life, difficulty making important decisions and taking action, intense emotional reactions to certain situations or people, difficult relationships in the family with whom you grew up, or issues in your relationships as an adult.
What is EMDR?
EMDR is an acronym for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing therapy, which is a powerful and effective method of therapy for treating trauma.
Trauma may be best be defined as “a psychological, emotional response to an event or an experience that is deeply distressing or disturbing” [1].
EMDR therapy incorporates eye movements or other forms of bilateral stimulation into an in-depth, comprehensive, mind-body approach to processing pieces of distressing experiences that are stuck in the mind and body—in a way that positively transforms the memory, physiological sensations, emotions and beliefs associated with the experience [2].
EMDR has extensively been researched over the past few decades as a treatment for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and is considered to be an evidence-based therapy for trauma [3 & 4].
In addition to treating PTSD, EMDR is also used to treat the mental and emotional effects of a wide variety of smaller traumas that manifest as anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, phobias, creativity blocks, and relationship difficulties [2].
What differentiates EMDR therapy from something like medication per se is that EMDR therapy enables us to treat and address the causes of the issues rather than just treating symptoms.
What is Modified Protocol, Attachment-Focused EMDR?
The development of Attachment-Focused EMDR began in 1991. This modified protocol of the therapy was developed by Laurel Parnell by whom I was trained personally.
Dr. Parnell developed AF-EMDR for clients who have typically been less responsive to traditional EMDR protocols, who had experienced things such as childhood physical or sexual abuse, neglect, early losses, birth trauma, medical trauma, parental drug or alcohol abuse, caregiver misattunement, or secondary trauma [2].
AF-EMDR therapy might be a good fit for you if you struggle with anxiety, depression, not feeling fully alive, not enjoying life, difficulty making important decisions and taking action, intense emotional reactions to certain situations or people, difficult relationships in the family with whom you grew up, or issues in your relationships as an adult.
Processing and healing can occur much more rapidly than with talk therapy alone, and clearing these negative effects often results in people experiencing greater joy, peace, meaning, depth, openness, and connection in their lives and relationships.
If any of these sound like things you have experienced or things with which you struggle, please contact me through the contact form on this page to reach me most quickly, or you may also email or call me to request to schedule your 45 minute phone consultation.
In my experiences, Attachment-Focused EMDR is a more client-centered, flexible and intuitive method of EMDR.
I have found that Attachment-Focused EMDR enables and creates healing in ways that simply are not possible with talk therapy alone.
EMDR enables us to effectively work through a wide variety of triggers or things we haven’t been able to let go of, and genuinely move forward in our lives and relationships.
References:
http://centerforanxietydisorders.com/what-is-trauma/
http://parnellemdr.com/emdr-and-af-emdr/?fbclid=IwAR2ZvmEa7uxLvVm072RTVpA5SMXdOtM3j4dJc8H2ks1a-tghX-RuAgRFtqs
http://www.emdr.com/efficacy/
https://www.emdrhap.org/content/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/Research_2015.pdf
SLC Therapist, Utah Therapist and EMDR Therapist Utah
Blog articles to help you, your family, and friends today.