Why do I need healthy boundaries? A Salt Lake City therapist explains
What are boundaries?
Therapist and author Nedra Glover Tawwab, LCSW, defines boundaries as: “expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships. Expectations in relationships help you stay mentally and emotionally well. Learning when to say no and when to say yes is also on essential part of feeling comfortable when interacting with others.” [1]
How do I know if I need healthier boundaries?
If you feel exhausted, burned out, depleted, overextended, depressed, anxious, resentful, angry, or unhappy in any of your relationships or roles in life, you may need healthier boundaries. If you daydream about dropping everything and disappearing, you feel like you have no time for yourself, or you avoid certain people and situations rather than addressing them directly, you may need healthier boundaries. As a Salt Lake City therapist and an Utah therapist, I have found that any of these feelings and experiences may be an indication that your boundaries that are too porous.
On the other hand, if you tend to build emotional walls to keep other people out emotionally and at a distance from you, you may need healthier boundaries because emotional walls and keeping others at a distance may be an indication that your boundaries are too rigid.
Why do I need healthier boundaries?
Boundaries can help you to honor your feelings, needs, preferences, values, integrity, and emotional and energetic capacities, all of which are key aspects of self-awareness and emotional intelligence. Developing the abilities to set, hold and enforce boundaries are very important abilities for protecting your mental, emotional, and physical health, your time and your energy—all of which have limits.
When Setting a Boundary, what do I say?
Ideally, a personal boundary defines what is okay for you and what is not okay for you, and why.
A boundary is not telling another person what to do. Rather, it is telling another person what you will do.
If you need some alone time after a long day or days, setting a boundary with your partner might sound like, “I’m going to take some time to myself once we get the kids in bed for the night. I need some quiet time.” or “I want to do some solo yoga tomorrow to unwind. Can we do something together on Sunday?”
If you have a co-worker who keeps asking for your help at the end of the workday, setting a boundary might sound like, “I can’t stay tonight. I have some time tomorrow morning when I could help you though.” or “I’m headed out. Spencer will be here until close tonight and may be able to help.”
If your divorced parents, in-laws, siblings, and/or extended family all expect you to visit them on Christmas Day and that feels too hectic for you and not how you want to spend the holiday, setting a boundary might sound like, “We’d like to stop by the weekend after Christmas or the weekend before to extend the celebration, and have decided to spent Christmas Day at home, relaxing.” or “I know you like to see the grandkids on Christmas Day and you’re welcome to stop by in the afternoon to spend time with us.”
If your parent insists that your child give them a hug even when they don’t want to, setting a boundary might sound like, “Dad, I know you love hugs from the kids. However, we are teaching our kids about consent and if Sophia doesn’t want to hug you, I’m asking that you respect her choice and autonomy and not pressure her.” or “Hey Dad, remember Sophia gets to decide whether she wants to give you a hug or not. Sophia, would you like to give Grandpa a wave or a fist bump or say goodbye in some other way?”
Author Melissa Urban, whose book The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits that Will Set you Free which I have shared a link to on this page, shares a lot of great scripts for how to clearly express what is okay for you and what is not okay for you and telling another person what you will do in that specific situation if you’d like more in depth and detailed guidance on this.
I’m Worried People will be Upset with Me for Setting a Boundary…
It is incredibly common for people to worry that others will be upset with them for setting boundaries.
In my work as a SLC therapist and Utah therapist, my clients have often told me that they don’t feel comfortable with setting boundaries because it is not a skill they seen modeled or developed themselves and they are unsure of where to start or go about it. They acknowledge that they avoid their own discomfort by not setting the boundaries they need—which is more comfortable and easier in the short-term yet makes things more difficult and uncomfortable long-term.
Many of my clients have also shared that they have a fear of being perceived as mean, rude or selfish by setting a boundary. Some people fear that they fear setting a boundary will make future interactions difficult or awkward. In some cases, people believe they can’t set a boundary in particular types of relationships.
These are all valid and understandable feelings and thoughts. At the same time, it is you that pays the price for not setting boundaries to take care of your needs in the relationship.
It’s also important to keep in mind that people who get upset with you for setting, holding or enforcing boundaries are the people who were benefitting from your lack of boundaries.
Researcher and author Brene Brown wisely said, “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others”.
Where Can I Learn More about Setting Boundaries?
The 2 books shown on this page by Nedra Glover Tawwab and Melissa Urban are excellent places to start with deepening your understanding of boundaries and how to effectively set them.
Setting and holding boundaries are done most effectively from a place of clarity. Achieving clarity can be quite difficult at times, as can the process of setting and holding the boundary, especially if we haven’t had someone teach us these skills and model how to apply them in our lives. There are a lot of factors that can go into determining what boundaries need to be set and nuance in how you set them and hold them. These boundary decisions and actions also involve taking into account contextual factors about the relationship and the history between you and the other person. In addition to all of these factors, it can also be really helpful to have someone who is neutral and not emotionally involved or biased to process the situation with and to receive support and an outside, professional perspective which is one of many reasons working with a SLC therapist can be helpful when you are working on improving your skills with boundaries.
Working with an experienced Salt Lake City therapist can empower you by helping you to identify what areas of your life and relationships could benefit from setting and holding some new boundaries. If you’re interested in receiving additional support with setting and holding boundaries from a SLC therapist or a Utah therapist, please reach out to me here through my contact form to get in touch with me most quickly, or you may also email or call me to request to schedule your 45 minute phone consultation.
Choosing a therapist who is a good fit for you is a really important part of the process of therapy. If you would like to learn more about the traits, behaviors and struggles of the clients with whom I’ve achieved the most transformative outcomes and best results in my work as a SLC therapist and trauma therapist in Salt Lake City, read this article.
If you want to learn more about how trauma affects you and how EMDR therapy can help, click here.
If you would like to learn more about what I do to provide my clients with the highest quality therapy services, click here to read this article.
Reference:
Nedra Glover Tawwab. Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A guide to reclaiming yourself. Penguin Publishing Group, 2021.
Author Bio
Photo of SLC Therapist Christy Kobe, LCSW, CCTP, EMDR Therapist Utah who offers therapy both in-person at her office in SLC and via online therapy as a Utah therapists for residents throughout the state
Christy Kobe, LCSW, CCTP, EMDR Therapist Utah, is a Salt Lake City therapist who has been practicing in the SLC area since Spring 2003. In addition to completing her licensure as a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW), Christy has completed training and certification as an EMDR therapist, in-depth clinical training on Polyvagal Theory Informed Trauma Therapy, certification as a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional (CCTP), clinical certification training to help clients struggling to deal with an individual with a personality disorder in their lives, and completed extensive clinical training on the treatment of trauma and attachment taught by international experts on these subjects.
She works individually with sensitive, high achieving, perfectionistic, or progressive women who are stressed, overwhelmed, burned out, and afraid they are about to break. She is especially passionate about working with clients who have experienced complex trauma, childhood trauma, relational trauma, or religious trauma, including developmental trauma, preverbal trauma, and emotional neglect.
You can learn more about her unique approach and what it’s like to work with her here. Please reach out to request a consultation if you would like to explore the possibility of partnering with her as your therapist.
Please note that I will receive a small amount on purchases made from my website in return for directing people to the books I recommend most highly as an experienced therapist. However, I have been recommending these book to my clients, friends and family with no compensation for years, and will continue to recommend these particular book even if I don’t receive any compensation whatsoever.