Christy Kobe, LCSW, CCTP’s Blog Articles
SLC Therapist, Utah Therapist and EMDR Therapist Utah.
More Frequently Asked Questions About Therapy
When something emotional, mental or in relationships is negatively impacting your ability to function at home, work, school or in relationships, it would be a good idea to seek out the assistance of a therapist. This could be when you feel so much anxiety that it’s difficult for you be effective as a parent or focus at work, when stress you are experiencing in one area of your life is really bleeding over into another and preventing you from being present or effective in that other area or relationship in your life, or when you’re getting so upset by things that you’re not able to complete your responsibilities.
In cases like these, a licensed therapist can assist you in deepening your understanding of the issue, working through it in various ways, and increasing your skills for effectively addressing or coping with it.
KUTV Channel 2 Fresh Living Fresh Off the Set Podcast Interview General Therapy Episode—Interview of Christy Kobe, LCSW, CCTP by Interviewer Elora Murray from Fresh Off the Set
Q: WHAT ARE SOME SIGNS THAT IT’S TIME TO SEEK OUT A THERAPIST?
A: When something emotional, mental or in relationships is negatively impacting your ability to function at home, work, school or in relationships, it would be a good idea to seek out the assistance of a therapist.
This could be:
-when you feel so much anxiety that it’s difficult for you be effective as a parent or focus at work
-when stress you are experiencing in one area of your life is really bleeding over into another and preventing you from being present or effective in that other area or relationship in your life
-when you’re getting so upset by things that you’re not able to complete your responsibilities
In cases like these, a licensed therapist can assist you in deepening your understanding of the issue, working through it in various ways, and increasing your skills for effectively addressing or coping with it.
Other signs could be:
-when you find yourself going over and over a situation or thoughts in your mind or find your thoughts spiraling
-when you are feeling overwhelmed, confused or resentful in a relationship and keep repeating the same unproductive patterns of behavior
Q: WHO IS THERAPY FOR?
A: Therapy is for people who want to create change within themselves and their lives, and are willing to put in the effort and time required to do those things. It’s more likely to be effective for people who are:
-open to engaging in a process of exploring things with their therapist,
-willing to pay attention to their feelings, thoughts and what they notice in their body,
-and committed to put forth the effort to implement changes in between sessions.
Therapy is for also for individuals who want to be more aware of and take better care of their mental health and relational health, which are every bit as important as being intentional with our physical health.
Q: WHAT KINDS OF THINGS DO PEOPLE GO TO THERAPY FOR?
A: There are really a wide variety of reasons someone may seek therapy such as:
-to work through your tendencies to be a people pleaser or a perfectionist
-to figure out how to parent your kids in healthier ways than the ways you were raised
-to gain a better understanding of why you’re feeling anxious and what you can do about it
-to develop skills for managing stress more effectively
-to develop your skills in setting boundaries
-to address issues that are preventing you from getting good sleep
Q: WHAT IS THE GOAL OF THERAPY? ALSO, WHAT KIND OF SKILLS CAN WE LEARN?
A: The goals of therapy often include the types of skills we hope to develop through therapy. There are usually multiple goals of therapy, which depend on:
-the issues you are seeking help with,
-your desired outcomes for the process, and
-the therapeutic approach being used by your therapist to address the issues the two of you identified.
If you’re seeking therapy for anxiety, your goals might include working with your therapist to identify the things that are triggering your anxiety, resolving the causes of those things to the extent possible, and developing healthy skills for coping with those things that we can’t resolve.
Therapy for trauma, on the other hand, is often about making connections between what is happening in the present and what happened to you in the past. So, the goals of trauma therapy might involve integrating the fragments of what gets triggered from your past emotionally, mentally, and in your body and nervous system, so that these trauma buttons don’t get pushed nearly as frequently or intensely and so that the effects of being triggered don’t last as long. Trauma therapy may also involve developing skills in mindfulness, self-compassion and working through your feelings more effectively.
If you’re seeking couples therapy, your goals might include the two of you gaining a deeper understanding of each other and each other’s feelings, needs, wounds, and desires in the relationship; developing more effective processes for working through conflict in your relationship, and developing skills for creating a more mutually satisfying connection with each other.
Q: WHAT CAN A PERSON EXPECT FROM THERAPY?
A: To better answer this question, I’d like to say a little more about what therapy is. Defining therapy can be challenging because there are so many different approaches to therapy and so many different therapists and clients, so no two therapy sessions that are exactly the same. However, in a nutshell, I would say that therapy is a collaborative process of working with a licensed therapist to gain a deeper understanding of yourself, others and your environment, as well as developing skills to enable you to have a healthier, more meaningful and fulfilling life, work and relationships. This process can involve healing old emotional, mental and relational wounds so that they are no longer holding you back.
In therapy, you can expect your therapist to ask you a lot of questions in order to be able to understand your history and the relationships that have shaped who you are and your current situation. Your therapist’s questions will also help you to unpack things and see things more clearly, on a deeper level and from different perspectives.
During this process, you will probably feel a wide range of feelings and you will likely be asked to work on new skills and tools in between sessions because coming and talking about things is only part of the solution—doing things differently in between sessions is also a key part of making changes. in your life, relationships and environment.
Q: WHAT KIND OF A MINDSET SHOULD WE HAVE GOING INTO THERAPY?
A: A growth mindset, which means that you believe in the fact that your abilities and skills can be developed through commitment and hard work.
It’s also important to keep in mind that genuine healing and change will likely require significant effort and time invested into the therapy process. If you have decades worth of experiences and relationships that are feeding into your current struggles, know that you are not going to be able to work through decades of stuff in just a few months of therapy sessions.
As with anything that is genuinely rewarding and meaningful, there is no short cut or quick fix.
Q: WHAT’S A COMMON MISCONEPTION ABOUT THERAPY THAT YOU’D LIKE TO ADDRESS?
A: One of the most common misconceptions about therapy is that therapy is only for people who are in a state of extreme distress or crisis.
In reality, therapy is it will be more effective, less time consuming and less expensive if you start it before you’re in crisis, and by starting therapy when things are less severe, you can avoid getting to the point of being in crisis.
Q: WHAT’S THE MOST COMMON PROBLEM YOU SEE WITH PATIENTS? (WHAT HINDERS THEM FROM LEARNING DURING THERAPY?)
A: One the most common problems I have seen is clients not being able to create momentum, significant change and progress due to the client not meeting frequently enough, for long enough sessions and for a long enough period of time with their therapist before ending their therapy.
In order to create therapeutic momentum, significant change and progress with my clients, I use 80 minute sessions with all of my clients because longer sessions are the gold standard for resolving things like trauma and relationship issues. The 80 minute sessions really allow us to identify and explore what’s going on beneath the surface, so we can address those underlying causes which can lead to genuine healing and lasting, long-term change within you, your life and your relationships. I also ask that people who want to work with me commit to meet a minimum of once every 2 weeks, and I encourage people to commit themselves to a period of at least 6 sessions before considering pausing or ending their therapy.
Q: WHAT TIPS DO YOU HAVE FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE GOING TO THERAPY?
A: Generally, the more of yourself you invest in the therapy process, the more you will get out of it. This means being open with your therapist and sharing things so that she has an accurate and complete picture of things from which to assess your situation and make recommendations. Taking an active role in the therapy process also means avoiding any mind altering substances like alcohol or non-prescription drugs the day or two before your therapy sessions, so that you can get the most out of the process.
Some clients also find it helpful to purchase a journal/notebook which they bring to each session to record insights from their sessions, the goals they are going to work on until their next session, and notes of anything that comes up in between sessions that they would like to discuss at their next appointment. Other clients find it more helpful to record such things in a dedicated notes folder on their smartphone. Regardless of which format works best for you, such a journal enables clients to stay on track and concretely view how much progress they have made through their therapy process.
Q: HOW CAN YOU TELL IF YOUR THERAPIST IS A GOOD FIT FOR YOU?
A: Whether a therapist is a good fit can entail a lot of things and can vary from one person to another based on what they are looking for in a therapist and from the therapy process.
However, generally speaking, a therapist is a good fit for you if you feel like you can trust your therapist and speak freely without fear of judgment from your therapist. It’s important that you feel heard, seen, supported and emotionally safe with your therapist.
In a good working relationship with a therapist, you will also feel a sense of connection with your therapist and feel like they care for you as a person and your well-being.
A therapist who is a good fit for you will be mentally present, attentive and responsive to the things you say, and will take an active role in the session which usually means they will do more than just listening and nodding their head, such as asking questions to slow things down and explore something in more depth, exploring potential solutions with you, or gently challenging you.
A good fit therapist will also demonstrate respect for your self-determination, meaning that they respect your authority and autonomy to decide what you feel and think it best for you—as long as you’re not endangering yourself or others.
Since therapy began, research has repeatedly shown that the relationship you have with your therapist—which is often called the therapeutic alliance—is consistently the thing that accounts for the greatest amount change in the therapy process. So, the quality of the relationship you have with your therapist is incredibly important.
You can listen to the full audio of these questions and answers below:
For Answers to other common questions about therapy, click the link below:
Why Do I Need Boundaries?
Developing the abilities to set and hold boundaries are very important abilities for protecting your mental, emotional, and physical health, your time and your energy—all of which have limits. Working with an experienced therapist, can help you identify what areas of your life and relationships could benefit from setting and enforcing some new boundaries.
Why Do I Need Boundaries?
Boundaries can help you to honor your feelings, needs, preferences, values, integrity, and emotional and energetic capacities, all of which are key aspects of self-awareness and emotional intelligence. Developing the abilities to set, hold and enforce boundaries are very important abilities for protecting your mental, emotional, and physical health, your time and your energy—all of which have limits.
When Setting a Boundary, what do I say?
Ideally, a personal boundary defines what is okay for you and what is not okay for you. A boundary is not telling another person what to do. Rather, it is telling another person what you will do.
I’m Worried People will be Upset with Me for Setting a Boundary…
Keep in mind that people who get upset with you for setting, holding or enforcing boundaries are the people who were benefitting from your lack of boundaries.
Brene Brown wisely said, “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others”.
Where Can I Learn More about Setting Boundaries?
Setting and holding boundaries can be easier said than done, especially if we haven’t had someone teach us these skills and model how to apply them in our lives.
Working with an experienced therapist, can help you identify what areas of your life and relationships could benefit from setting and enforcing some new boundaries.
Additionally, the 2 books shown here by Nedra Glover Tawab and Melissa Urban are excellent resources for deepening your understanding of boundaries and how to effectively set them.
Please note that I will receive a small amount on purchases made from my website in return for directing people to the books I recommend most highly as an experienced therapist. However, I have been recommending these book to my clients, friends and family with no compensation for years, and will continue to recommend these particular book even if I don’t receive any compensation whatsoever.
A Pathway to Genuine Empathy and Connection
We live in a world and a society with so much division and so much disconnection, one where we often define ourselves and others more by our differences than what we have in common.
However, healing our world, our culture, our relationships and ourselves is going to require us developing deeper, more genuine empathy and connection with others.
One of the pathways to that type of empathy and connection with another person is gaining a deeper understanding of another’s lived experiences.
As Dr. Brene Brown says, “People are hard to hate close up. Move in”.
One way to move in and get to know others better is by listening to the lived experiences of others in their own words.
So, I decided to write this post and compile a list of some of my favorite memoirs and biographies for anyone who is interested in deepening their understanding of the lived experiences of another person who they perceive as different from them.
My hope is that as you read or listen to these lived experiences, you may see a piece of yourself in them and feel a connection and empathy for this other person.
I fervently believe empathy is one of the keys to healing our world.
As we practice empathy, we create more empathy which is something our world, culture, systems, relationships and hearts all need a whole lot more of right now.
Please note that I will receive a small amount on purchases made from my website in return for directing people to the books I recommend most highly as an experienced therapist. However, I have been recommending these book to my clients, friends and family with no compensation for years, and will continue to recommend these particular book even if I don’t receive any compensation whatsoever.
Best and Most Recommended Parenting Book
This is the best parenting book. I recommend this book so highly and more often than any other parenting book to those I work with is that research has found that the factor that predicts a child’s success most in life is their emotional intelligence. This book teaches and simplifies the research-validated process of enabling your child to develop that emotional intelligence using decades of research from parent-child pairs in whom the child developed emotional intelligence.
Children with whom their parents effectively used this process show a multitude of positive outcomes including being better able to control their impulses, delay gratification, motivate themselves, cope with life’s ups and downs, regulate their own emotional states, bounce back from stress, take on responsibility, and carry on productive activities among many other positive behaviors and benefits.
Most parents are aware that there are a LOT of parenting books out there. However, this is one of the most research-based parenting books available, and it gives you tools to better understand your style and to focus on the interactions, relationship factors and communication that matter the most with your child. This book can be applied with a child of any age and research has shown that even a non-custodial parent using this process can be enough to develop emotional intelligence in their child. I literally have entire bookshelves full of parenting books. However, this one is my very favorite and I highly recommend it to you.
If you recognize that you could use additional assistance, support and guidance beyond what this book can provide, please reach out to me by email or phone to schedule a free 15 minute phone consultation to explore how I could assist you.
As a society and as individuals, we say our relationships with our kids and our kids' wellbeing are some of the very most important things in our lives.
Yet, what have we done to take an educated approach to our relationships with our kids and our responsibilities of raising them to be healthy, resilient and well adjusted adults?
Reading and applying the simple process described in this book is one of the best ways—and one of the simplest ways—you can improve your relationship with your child AND improve your child's well-being and life skills.
Parenting is one of my clinical specializations, and a relationship with which I love to assist people.
My formal training in parenting education began in 1997 when I was employed as a parenting educator. I have found that assisting parents in improving their parenting and their relationships and communication with their children can have long-lasting, far-reaching and incredibly meaningful impacts on both parents and children, and that those improvements often have positive ripple effects in the other areas of their lives.
As a result, parenting it is an area in which I have continued to study and obtain advanced training and certification over the past 20+ years, so that I can provide the highest quality and most up-to-date therapy services to individuals and families.
In those 20+ years of training and working with parents, the book I recommend most often and most highly is Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman PhD with Joan DeClaire.
The reason I recommend this book so highly and more often than any other parenting book to those I work with is that many research studies have shown that emotional intelligence (a.k.a. Emotional Intelligence Quotient or EQ) is the best predictor of how a child will turn out.
This book teaches and simplifies the research-validated process of enabling your child to develop that emotional intelligence using decades of research from parent-child pairs in whom the child developed high levels of emotional intelligence.
Children with whom their parents effectively used this process show a multitude of positive outcomes including being better able to control their impulses, delay gratification, motivate themselves, cope with life’s ups and downs, regulate their own emotional states, bounce back from stress, take on responsibility, and carry on productive activities among many other positive behaviors and benefits.
Most parents are aware that there are a LOT of parenting books out there. However, this is one of the most research-based parenting books available, and it gives you tools to better understand your style and to focus on the interactions, relationship factors and communication that matter the most with your child.
This book can be applied with a child of any age and research has shown that even a non-custodial parent using this process can be enough to develop emotional intelligence in their child. I literally have entire bookshelves full of parenting books.
However, this one is my very favorite and I highly recommend it to you.
If you recognize that you could use additional assistance, support and guidance beyond what this book can provide, please reach out to me through the contact form on this page to reach me most quickly, or you may also email or call me to request to schedule a 45 minute phone consultation to explore how I could assist you.
Please note that I will receive a small amount on purchases made from my website in return for directing people to the books I recommend most highly as a therapist. However, I have been recommending these books and others to my clients, friends and family as long as I have been working in the social work and therapy professions. And, I would (and will) continue to recommend these particular books even if I don’t receive any compensation whatsoever.
Frequently Asked Questions about Therapy and Counseling in Salt Lake City, Utah
You and I will begin where you are at—emotionally and psychologically—and work together to create a safe nonjudgmental space, therapeutic relationship and process where you can explore your struggles and identify your therapeutic needs and goals. This is a very collaborative and respectful process.
My goal is to empower, support and assist you in expanding your knowledge, skills and capacities to meet your identified needs and goals.
Generally, the more of yourself you are willing to invest, the greater the return.
Most people feel nervous when they first begin therapy. I want you to know that I have a strong belief in the inherent worth and dignity of all people. One of the most important things to me is creating a safe, healthy, caring and compassionate working relationship with you in order to enable you to heal, grow and progress. My office is a judgment-free zone. I see that as an absolutely essential part of creating a safe space and therapeutic relationship with you.
All of my therapy sessions with my clients are 80 minutes because that has been shown to be the “gold standard” session length.
I recommend that my clients meet a minimum of once every two weeks.
FAQs about Therapy with Christy Kobe, LCSW
Q: I’ve never done therapy or counseling before. What is it like?
A: You and I will begin where you are at—emotionally and psychologically—and work together to create a safe nonjudgmental space, therapeutic relationship and process where you can explore your struggles and identify your therapeutic needs and goals.
The treatment processes and interventions I use will be based specifically on your individual situation, needs, and goals.
This is a very collaborative and respectful process. I welcome any questions, comments, or suggestions regarding your therapy at any time.
In order for therapy to be most successful, it is important for you to take an active role in this process. This means working on the things you and I talk about both during and between sessions, and meeting for sessions on a regular basis.
Q: How could a therapist or counselor help me?
A: My goal is to empower, support and assist you in expanding your knowledge, skills and capacities to meet your identified needs and goals.
Whenever possible, this process may include identifying, processing and resolving causes of your current struggles rather than simply managing or treating the symptoms.
Additionally, our work together often involves me supporting you in improving the health, quality and depth of your relationships as well.
In my experience, as clients become more aware and accepting of themselves, and as they increase their knowledge and skills, they are more capable of finding peace, joy, satisfaction, meaning and depth in their lives and relationships.
Q: How long does the therapy process take?
A: Increasing self-awareness, self-acceptance, personal knowledge and skills and integrating them into your life are goals that may take a long time to achieve.
Generally, the more of yourself you are willing to invest, the greater the return.
While occasionally clients need only 6-12 sessions to achieve their goals, I find that most clients need somewhere between six to twenty four months to achieve their goals, and in some cases, a few years of therapy are needed.
The length of your treatment and the timing of the eventual termination of your treatment depend on the specifics of your treatment plan and the progress you achieve. It is my policy to only see clients who I believe have the capacity to resolve their own problems with my assistance.
My intention is to empower you in your growth process to the degree that you are capable of facing life’s challenges in the future without me.
Q: What if I feel nervous about sharing my personal struggles with a therapist?
A: This is very common. Most people feel nervous when they first begin therapy.
I want you to know that I have a strong belief in the inherent worth and dignity of all people.
One of the most important things to me is creating a safe, healthy, caring and compassionate working relationship with you in order to enable you to heal, grow and progress.
My office is a judgment-free zone. I see that as an absolutely essential part of creating a safe space and therapeutic relationship with you.
You are always in the driver’s seat so to speak, and the one in charge of your therapeutic direction. We will discuss options and you get to decide what you think is best for you because this is your life and your relationships.
Most clients report that as their comfort and trust in me and the therapy process increases, their feelings of nervousness significantly decrease or stop.
Q: How long are therapy sessions?
A: All of my therapy sessions with my clients are 80 minutes because that has been shown to be the “gold standard” session length, especially when there are any relationship issues or trauma involved in your struggles.
I have found that my clients and I are able to create a lot more change, progress and momentum by meeting for 80 minutes once every two weeks, rather than meeting for shorter sessions on a weekly basis.
If we think of your struggles as being like an iceberg, the 80 minute sessions allow us the time to access and identify what’s going on under the surface of the water, and these patterns, themes, and deeper emotions under the surface of the water are key to enabling us to creating significant change and progress with your struggles.
Q: How long is each session?
A: I use 80 minute sessions—which are called double sessions—with all of my clients because these double sessions are considered best practice and one 80 minute session is so much more effective than 2 typical-length, shorter therapy sessions.
These double sessions really allow us to identify and explore what’s going on beneath the surface, so we can address those underlying causes which can lead to genuine healing and lasting, long-term change within you, your life and your relationships.
The progress, change and momentum we are able to create with the work we do in our these double sessions is incredible and life-changing.
Q: How often do we meet for sessions?
A: I recommend that my clients meet a minimum of once every two weeks.
Meeting less often results in you losing momentum between sessions and while we can use your session to process the biggest issue from the previous month, we are not able to create as much change and progress as we can when we consistently meet once every two weeks.
It’s kind of like the difference between going to the gym once week out of the month versus exercising throughout the month, or eating healthy one week out of the month versus eating healthy throughout the month.
Q: What is your availability?
A: I meet with clients Mondays, Tuesdays and most Fridays from 10:10 am—6:30 pm, and have a variety of appointment times available.
\Since my available appointment times and consultation times are offered on a first come first serve basis, the specific dates and times I have available will probably have shifted between the time that we schedule your consultation call and the call itself.
So, I’m not able to offer specific appointment options prior to our call. However, if one time doesn’t work for the two of you, we can look at other times.
Q: What are the fees for your services?
A: The fee depends on the type of therapy I am providing which I can assess and determine during our consultation call at which time I can let you know what I recommend and the fee for that type of therapy.
Q: Do you accept my insurance? Are you contracted with my insurance company to provide therapy services?
A: I am a fee-for-service, private pay therapist only. I do not contract with insurance companies.
You may request that your insurance company reimburse you for a portion of what you have paid me as an out of network provider if you desire, using your payment receipts.
However, by providing you with a receipt, I am not making any implication or promises of your insurance company reimbursing you for your therapeutic treatment.
Insurance companies have many rules and requirements specific to each individual plan. It is your responsibility to find out your insurance company’s policies and to file for insurance reimbursement.
For more information about the out of network reimbursement process, see the detail explanation I have provided here: https://christykobe.com/therapist-salt-lake-city/outofnetworkreimbursement
Q: Can I ask you the questions I have and get more information before deciding whether to work with you?
A: I offer a 45 minute phone consultation during I explore and answer your questions, rather than attempting to answer them via back and forth email or via some other less effective means.
In addition to allowing you the opportunity to ask me questions and allowing me the opportunity to answer your questions, the purposes of the phone consultation are to allow you the opportunity to share with me the issues with which you are looking for help, allow me to share information about the specifics of my unique approach to therapy and to provide my recommendations of the type of therapy I would recommend for the issues with which you are struggling, mutually determine whether we all seem to be a good fit for working together, provide your information and reserve appointments if we decide to move forward with working together, and lastly, provide you with information about the initial paperwork you need to complete in order to begin therapy.
If you're interested in requesting to schedule a 45 minute phone consultation, please enter your information here if you have not done so already:
https://christykobe.com/contact-therapist-salt-lake-city
After I receive your consultation request form, I can send you the consultation agreement form, followed by the payment link for a 45 minute phone consultation and the available consultation times so we can get one scheduled for you.
Q: What if I need to cancel or reschedule one of my appointments?
A: I have a 48 business hour cancellation and rescheduling policy. If you need to cancel or reschedule your appointment, you can simply send me an email at christy.kobe.lcsw@gmail.com letting me know you need to cancel or reschedule.
For answers to more Frequently Asked Questions, see: More Frequently Asked Questions
Choosing a Therapist who is a Good Fit for You
Choosing a therapist who is a good fit for you is an important, personal decision. Each therapist has certain types of people with whom they work most effectively. I’ve put together a list below of some of the traits and behaviors of clients with whom I’ve achieved the best results in my work. I might be the right therapist for you if any of the following apply to you:
Choosing a therapist who is a good fit for you is an important and personal decision. Each therapist or counselor has certain types of people with whom they work most effectively.
So, I’ve put together a list below of some of the traits and behaviors of clients with whom I’ve achieved the best results in my work. I might be the right therapist for you if any of the following apply to you:
You worry about the future.
You spend a significant amount of time thinking about situations or relationships.
You enjoy learning new things, and try to learn from your mistakes.
You try to improve things by identifying what you can do differently and working on that.
You feel guilty or anxious when you displease others.
You have very high expectations of yourself.
You are a sensitive person, and like to understand what happened and cause and effect.
You put others’ needs before your own, and end up feeling resentful sometimes.
You want to be able to talk through a problem.
You want to help others understand why there is a problem.
You are self-reflective and take responsibility for solving problems.
You view life as an opportunity to improve yourself and enjoy developing your capabilities.
You are willing to change in order to improve a situation or relationship.
You feel overwhelmed with your current struggles.
If any of these things sound like you, I hope you’ll contact me using the contact form on this page to reach me most quickly, or you may also email or call me to request to set up a 45 minute phone consultation. I’m looking forward to meeting you and playing a part in your journey!
What is Loneliness and How Does it Affect Us?
Loneliness causes us to shut down socially, and to be more suspicious of any social contact. We become more hypervigilant, more likely to take offense when none was intended, and to be afraid of strangers.
Loneliness is best defined as the sense that you’re not sharing anything that matters with anyone else.
To help a depressed or severely anxious person out of loneliness, they need more love and reassurance than they would have needed before they became lonely. The saddest part about this to me as a therapist is that many depressed and anxious people receive less love and reassurance as they become less enjoyable to be around. As they receive judgment and criticism from others, their retreat from the world accelerates and their loneliness deepens and increases.
If you would like to learn more about these findings and what you can do to decrease loneliness, I would strongly encourage you to buy the book below and begin to apply the principles to your life. It’s one of the best books I’ve read on the subject of depression and anxiety in many years.
What is loneliness?
Research studies have determined that feeling lonely is different than simply being alone. In fact, the sensation of loneliness doesn’t actually have much to do with how many people you spoke to in a given day or week.
To the contrary, some of the most people who report feeling the most severely lonely are those who actually talk to lots of people everyday. This is due to the fact that these people don’t perceive these people they are talking with as meaningful connections with another person.
To experience relief from loneliness, you need not only other people but also to feel that you are sharing something with the other person (or group) that is meaningful to both of you.
It is essential for you to both be engaged together in something you both think has meaning and value. And, the relationship has to be reciprocal or two-way, and to include a sense of “mutual aid and protection” according to researcher John Cacciopo. [1]
So, loneliness is best defined as the sense that you’re not sharing anything that matters with anyone else.
How does loneliness affect us?
Research studies have found that extended loneliness causes us to shut down socially, and to be more suspicious of any social contact.
We become more hypervigilant, more likely to take offense when none was intended, and to be afraid of strangers.
This is a paradox because we start to be afraid of connection which is what we need more than anything when we are lonely.
Researcher John Cacciopo calls this a “snowball” effect where disconnection spirals into even more disconnection. [1]
People who are lonely have been found in research studies to be scanning for threats because they unconsciously know that no one is looking out for them and thus know that no one will help them when they are hurt.
The good news is that this “snowball” effect of loneliness can be reversed. [1]
However, to help a depressed or severely anxious person out of loneliness, they need more love and reassurance than they would have needed before they became lonely.
The saddest part about this to me as a therapist is that many depressed and anxious people receive less love and reassurance as they become less enjoyable to be around.
As they receive judgment and criticism from others, their retreat from the world accelerates and their loneliness deepens and increases.
If you would like to learn more about these findings and what you can do to decrease loneliness, I would strongly encourage you to buy the book below and begin to apply the principles to your life.
It’s one of the best books I’ve read on the subject of depression and anxiety in many years.
If you would like additional support and professional guidance, please reach out to me through the contact form on this page to reach me most quickly, or you may also email or call me to request to schedule your 45 minute phone consultation.
1. Lost Connections: Uncovering the Real Causes of Depression —And the Unexpected Solutions,
by Johann Hari
Please note that I will receive a small amount on purchases made from my website in return for directing people to the books I recommend most highly as an experienced therapist. However, I have been recommending this book to my clients, friends and family with no compensation, and will continue to recommend this particular book even if I don’t receive any compensation whatsoever.
SLC Therapist, Utah Therapist and EMDR Therapist Utah
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